When the plan, doesn’t go to plan….

 

Perhaps I always envisaged I would have a blog one day?  I’m creative; I love home interiors and styling; I am an avid reader and follower of other peoples blogs.

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I’m what my mother would call someone with “sparkle”, but my teachers at school would probably have labelled as a tad opinionated.  Either way you look at it, in my life I have always had a bit of a “plan”.  Meet Mr Right (or in my case Mr Wright) by “x”,  marry by “y” and buy our house by “z”. Then have our beautiful children.  What I had pictured in my head was a wonderful lifestyle blog of home, children and fashion; like so many of the beautifully inspirational blogs that I read.  A blog where I captured my life as a Mummy and home-maker in Surrey; one where our Boden-clad children splashed in puddles and we spent days outside crunching through Autumn leaves, before returning home to play with homemade play-doh and craft, bake and laugh until everyone went to bed.  A perfect world with arts, crafts and lots of organic vegetables (yes, one of THOSE mums).

Shit. What happens when “the plan”doesn’t go to plan? What do you do when the universe makes you think it’s all going your way, and then takes all of your cards from your hands and throws them up in the air?  What do you do when you have your beautiful, long awaited baby boy; and then he dies?  I never imagined we would have to answer any of those questions. The universe, however, had some ideas of it’s own.

As a result of losing Teddy, I have spent the last eight months of my life navigating a new way through; a new plan for when the old one seems laughable.  Working out what to do next, where to go from here, and what my purpose is if I’m not the Mummy that I had planned to be?  I have always loved our home; since the moment we walked through the door to view it almost two and a half years ago, not long after we married, I knew this was the house I would make a home.  I never thought that this home would, quite frankly, save me.

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My passion for interiors and for feathering our nest began long before Teddy arrived.  He was always there in my planning though; “When we have a baby we’ll need this room” or “We should probably move this to here for when we have children.” What was different was that I never needed that passion then; it was just an interest, a hobby; something I fitted in around the day-to-day goings on in our lives.

When we returned home from hospital on 19th May 2016 empty-armed and broken hearted;  I simply did not fathom that it would be our home that helped to heal me.  What I have discovered over the last eight months is that throwing yourself into a “hobby” that is as creative as it is rewarding, really can help you in more ways that you knew possible.  Admittedly I have had the time to pursue things that I never would have made time for if I had been at work; or if indeed,Teddy had lived.  I have made lampshades, footstools, painted (and re-painted) pretty much every piece of new and existing furniture in our house.  I even mastered concealed zips on my cushions (praise the Lord!); I’m not saying that is fun, but I do think it makes me a pretty seasoned pro at cushion making.

What I am saying is that I have sat at that sewing machine in some of my darkest moments.  I just kept on sewing.

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Truthfully, I have found the process of planning, making, creating and then being able to enjoy our home something that focuses my mind again.  It gives me the “purpose” my life was missing after Teddy died, the purpose I so desperately needed when I felt as though purpose was entirely lacking from my life.  This blog is a place for me to share that journey; what has been so far, and what is yet to come.  I hope and dream that this isn’t forever, that one day this home will be filled with tiny footsteps, lots of “firsts” and plenty of laughter.  In the meantime I hope you will all enjoy the ride, whatever brought you here, as I continue to feather this empty nest.

Elle x


32 thoughts on “When the plan, doesn’t go to plan….

  1. Congratulations Elle! You have an absolutely beautiful home. I found your Instagram just two days ago and read the story of beautiful Teddy. My heart goes out to you, while I cannot begin to imagine what you have gone through we ourselves face a future where what we had planned may not go according to plan. We are awaiting our second try at IVF after two early miscarriages on the same date a year apart. I am throwing myself into our home, into work and creating a seaside themed craft stall to occupy my mind. I wish you every success in your home, your blog and most importantly you dream of becoming a mummy for the second time. I look forward to your next blog and the Insta pics, I am loving Boris!

    Lots of wishes
    Laura x

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  2. You do not know me but I follow (stalk maybe haha) your page on Instagram. I’m a fellow loss mommy and your daily updates brighten my days. Boris is so lovely and I love seeing what he gets up to too. Teddy is proud of his momma.

    Lots of love
    Krystal xx

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  3. What a beautiful blog post Elle, and what a stunning home you have, you are such an inspiration I wish you all the happiness. And little Boris is just adorable 🐶 ❤ xx

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  4. You were born to write Elle. You’ve been through the hardest times, but in losing Teddy, you still in your pain, raised money which will help others. You are an inspiration. 😚 xx

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  5. Beautiful Elle.
    I wish this was a totally different blog, the blog you dreamed it to be, however I am so proud of the hope and beauty that is threaded through this.
    You have no idea what this will mean to so many people.
    You are incredibly talented and I’m so pleased for you that you have found your ‘thing’; mine was baking.
    Love and hugs hun xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I have truly loved following you on Instagram and viewing your beautiful home.
    My heart aches for you and your loss, life is so cruel and unfair sometimes.
    You are a real inspiration and I look forward to reading more….
    The biggest of love, luck and laughter to you and yours.

    Fizzy XxX

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  7. Such a beautiful post. Oh how this blog could have been different but what you are showing is a strength within that I truly admire.
    You have a wonderful home and I look forward to reading more about it. Here’s to future happiness lovely x

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  8. So proud of you, every word written is from such a special place and to share your words and truth with everyone is something that I really admire, I’m very lucky and privileged to call you my friend and will eternally be proud of you xxx

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  9. So proud of you Elle. It has been really quite inspirational to see you carry on through your darkest time, and I have really enjoyed sharing your journey with you, seeing you start to heal and finding your smile again 🙂

    You are so lovely, and you should be really proud of your blog! I for one, know they take a lot of time!

    X

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  10. Beautiful Eleanor, as are you. You are a strong, inspiration woman and You and Niko will have your happy ever after one day. Your house is stunning by the way and I love your little instagram about Boris. Cracks me up most days! Keep going as you are, you are amazing. Lots of love x

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  11. I can so relate to everything you are saying. You write so beautifully and from the heart, you should be very proud of yourself for how far you have come and everything you have achieved. Hope your going to do a blog soon about how to conceal a zip on a cushion!! Lots of love and very best wishes Emily xxxxxx

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  12. Having just descovered you on IG and looking (stalking) through your beautiful photos of your beautiful home, I descovered Teddy…..what a beautiful baby boy!!
    You are from what I can see a very strong, courageous mummy and my heart goes out to you! I can’t imagine what you have gone through and I fear if I did, I would break!! You are an inspiration to me and I am sure to many many more!
    Sending a hug x x

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